To my dear passport…

To my dear passport…

As much as I love you, I have found that you bring out the sadist in me. I love nothing more that seeing you get punched, by a stamp nonetheless, but punched all the same.

You see, the violence inflicted upon you means a journey for me. A trip to somewhere abroad. A chance to see and experience a life so unlike my own. A chance to open my eyes. A chance to grow.

In the next 12 months you will endure a few more punches. In just over a fortnight you will receive your first as I head to Indonesia. Then another punch when I visit New Zealand later this year, and a final blow upon visiting Malaysia in 2014. If I'm really lucky there may be a brazillian punch as well, pending whether Australia qualifies for the World Cup (and how tight the strings on my wallet are).

So you see, dear passport, the punches you endure are like badges of honour for me. We both know that one day you will be replaced, so my love for you, while temporary, is wholesome and true.

Thank you for being there when I need you the most.

When do I become ready?

My life recently has been filled with lots of great moments: fun with friends, fun with family, my dog, the ones that matter. I've also got some great moments coming up: I leave for Bali in just under 2 weeks, I booked flights to Malaysia with my sister next year, and also to NZ for a weekend away later this year. On a whole there is a lot to be excited about.

So why do I still spend time thinking about him?

I won't lie, it's been much easier since removing him on Facebook.

But when I allow myself time to think, I find myself thinking of the key moments together. Just the other night I visited the restaurant where we had our second date (on this occasion it was with friends) and I cried in public. Not sobbing, just some tears filled my eyes for a minute or two, and it didn't go unnoticed by my pals.

Today I felt this tremendous sense of loneliness. I had this yearning to just come home, find him there and to cook dinner for the both of us. To just have him there with some quiet time for the both of us, to feel loved. I know that whoever is with him next they have a pretty special guy headed their way. Yes he's not without issues, neither am I by a long shot, but they have someone that will commit to them with everything he's got.

But back to me.

Knowing that its quite possible these recent feelings are caused by loneliness, when do I become ready to move on? I am not ready in any way to give myself to anyone else. I truly wouldn't be surprised if I'm by myself for the next year before I feel ready to be in another relationship, to dare believe there is someone else out there I could love anywhere near as much as C.

So what is the next step?

Is it when it has been so long that I forget what it feels like to be in the arms of someone, that I don't have that longing? Is it when I just suck it up and date someone knowing that I'm not mentally ready to hand myself over? Wouldn't that be leading them on if I'm not ready for a relationship? Is it when I just sleep with anyone for the sake of the physical release?

I feel like beyond this constant feeling of heartbreak, all these other feelings are really starting to teach me about myself. I'm truly beginning to understand the depth of my insecurities, how I easily misread anything and interpret into a way that justifies the feeling of not being good enough.

But I really do wish that I had some sort of instruction manual that would explain when I will finally start blogging about something else other than this emotional turmoil. Something that will help me from sounding so damned depressed?

Maybe that instruction manual is the lonely planet guide to Bali.